Repressing the Fear

Last week I read a post from John O’Nolan that resonated with me on so many levels. I wish that I wrote it, really I do, because it could not be a more accurate depiction of where I’m at these days.

The fear has set in. I feel it now more than ever. I delete more tweets than I send. I leave more blog posts half-written than I publish.

You might wonder why this is true for me, and the answer is simple — it’s fear.

Like a python wrapping itself around it’s prey, fear strangles me to a point of submission. It’s crippling, if you really want to know the truth.

I’ve been the “nice guy” for so long that I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t seen that way. Yes, it’s my own actions that have led to this, but that doesn’t mean I love the label.

Please don’t misunderstand what I just said. I’m simply saying there are so many times when I really wish that I could just be me.

But I get it, really I do. It’s the price I pay for living a public life and being a partner in a major software company. And John relates to this:

You start to be diplomatic and politically correct. You start to mould yourself into the shape of what everyone else expects you to be.

Completely agree with this — as sad is that might be.

I plan on repressing the fear that brought me to this stoic place in my life. And I might say some things that you don’t like or makes you feel uncomfortable.

I won’t apologize for that. Not because I’m insensitive to you and your feelings, but because I shouldn’t apologize for having mine.