My life has always been about decisions. Years ago, I based my existence and life around The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost. And although I choose to live my life on the road less traveled, I still found myself wandering back to the other.

I can’t recall at what point my life took that turn, but here I am, back at the same place I stood so many years ago. Writing has always been a way out for me, and it’s so easy for me to lose myself in the fantasies of thought. Call it imagination, I suppose. And just this evening I encountered some much needed time of reminiscence.

It’s sad for me to think that I have spent too much time doing and trying – and not enough time being. I hope that this is the beginning of a new season of life. One in which I will realize and understand that my heartfelt desire is to slow down, and actually taste what life has to offer.

It doesn’t make sense. None of this is my fault. Why am I here right now? I only stole so that I could feed my family. Remember God, when you burnt down my house? That’s when my life changed. You took my clothes, you took my food, and you even took one of my daughters in that fire. Then you sent a drought. I could not farm anymore. What was I to do? Then you took my wife. How could you? You let them rape her, and then beat her. I watched as they killed her. What kind of God are you?

I had no choice other than to do what I did. I was left with no options. My whole life I had wanted something more, but I never received it. I was treated unfairly. I don’t know who else to blame other than you. Why doesn’t any of this make sense? I didn’t mean to cheat those people. I never meant to rob them, or hurt them. My intentions were never to kill anyone. I was just angry at you, and at them. I have spent my whole life feeling the pain, and experiencing the hurt.

I had no choice other than to…well, maybe I did. And here I am, being punished for something…that I guess I chose to do. That something I have been looking for, how can I find it? Can you give it to me? But it doesn’t make any difference anyway – there’s not enough time for this to happen. I’m sorry, God. I don’t know what else to say. I guess there was a part of me that couldn’t understand why all of those things happened to me.

Instead of coming to you with everything, I ran. I let things stir inside of me and I turned it them anger. I couldn’t control myself, or my actions. I just wish that you could forgive me. My whole life was full of mistakes, and crimes, and things that I would consider totally unforgivable by you. But here we are and time is running out. What’s the use? I’m only getting what I deserve.

I know that you are out there. I just never took the time to get to know you. I wish I had more time, but I don’t. There was always a part of me that wanted to invite you into my life, and ask you to forgive me. But I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why. I felt like I always needed you. But I wasn’t strong enough to ask…I am starting to see it all now. But I feel like it’s too late. What I should have done, how I should have lived my life. But again, I am only getting what I deserve. I got caught. It was my life, my choices, and so now, it’s my punishment. But this other guy next to me – he didn’t do anything wrong. He was set up. I never saw him lie, or cheat, or steal, or hurt anyone. It’s not fair.

Why does he have to…“Hey, hey!!!! You over there. Don’t you fear God, since you are under the same sentence? You and I are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong. Jesus, please remember me when you come into your kingdom…” Paradise? Today? What do you mean I’ll be with you…I don’t understand…am I being forgiven? What kind of man…what kind of God? It all makes sense now. All I had to do was ask.

And to think that I went my entire life so close to asking…so many times, so many chances to turn things around. To know that I could have spent my entire life walking with you, not away from you. Thank you God. For understanding me, for forgiving me, and for loving me. And Jesus, now I know why you never contested those accusations. Even though you are innocent, I realize now that there is a bigger picture.

I see You hanging there, so mercifully, taking the world’s pain and suffering all upon yourself. Nails piercing Your hands and feet, but You endure it. I see You hanging there, writhing in agony, with power to stop it all, but You don’t. For You are accepting what needs to be done. I see You hanging there, loving those who put You there, forgiving the very ones who drove the nails and are hurling insults as You appear defenseless. I see You hanging there, for it is finished. You are changing the lives of all of us who are lost, allowing us to feel what we cannot see. I see You hanging there, saving them, saving me…

It’s no secret that I am a longtime Sara Evans fan, and I must say that I was shocked when I saw the headline “Sara Evans Files for Divorce, Quits Dancing With the Stars.” According to legal documents, Evans cites the grounds for divorce as “irreconcilable differences,” “inappropriate marital conduct” and “adultery.”

That’s as far as I will go with her accusations, because the grounds for her divorce are quite disturbing. She has been granted temporary custody of the children (thank God) and has filed for a restraining order.

It’s sad for me to post about this one, because of the pure fact that it is happening. In hollywood, there are so many celebrity/celebrity relationships and marriages, most of which end quickly. Once in a while, you’ll see one of those marriages last, and it’s very easy to become “fans” of the relationship and root for them to stay together.

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, for instance, were a couple that looked like that had a chance, with a long-term marriage a family with children. But then Cruise went mad, and did his thing. Another couple I was rooting for was Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Again, the same ending.