You’d think that spending eight seconds on the back of raging bull would be easy. But as a person who’s done it a few times, I can assure you that it’s really not.
In fact it’s more than difficult, almost impossible – depending on which bull you draw.
I’m sure that most of you don’t know this, but years ago when I was younger (and more foolish) I spent many afternoons on the back of an animal that wanted nothing more than to throw me off and put it’s horns through my side.
That sounds pretty dramatic, and let me assure you, bull riding really is.
Parallels in Life
You might wonder how riding a bull taught me a lesson in life that I’ll never forget. Every one of us is wired differently, and we all have things that fulfill us.
We all have the need for speed, or the need to escape reality – even for a minute – to experience what life, by it’s simple self, cannot provide.
For some folks it’s drugs, others it’s alcohol and for a lot of us it’s success and money.
We live recklessly in the pursuit of our “fix” and ignore the warning signs that in some capacity overtake our common sense.
The Dangerous Appeal
If you want to understand the depth of consequences that our “fix” can sometimes bring us, go ahead and watch this video and you’ll see. If you happened to miss the meaning behind the title of that video, maybe seeing this will clear things up.
Lane Frost was a true cowboy, and one of the best bull riders of his day. But it’s tragically clear that he wasn’t bigger than life, and wasn’t bigger than the bull.
While I understand that most of you don’t ride bulls, there are some parallels here about that which are undeniable.
Habits, hobbies, our business and work lives are among the many desires pull us so tightly that we fail to see the ramifications of our decisions. And most importantly how those choices affect those we love.
Priorities and Why They Matter
I’ll be willing to bet that most of you are married and some of you have kids. While bull riding seems like an extraordinary illustration, I encourage you to keep reading.
Lane’s death was instantaneous, and most certainly a tragedy.
But I’ll tell you there are countless wives, husbands and children who also think it’s tragic to be neglected and not prioritized – to not feel important.
In other words, they are dying a slow death. Which is just as much a tragedy as an instantaneous one.
The Plank in My Own Eye
I’m not trying to point out specks in your eyes here, rather writing this in a reflective way – pointing the finger at myself. You know, looking at the man in the mirror.
I spend a lot of time online, and fortunately I can do it from home. This means I’m accessible to my wife Shelly pretty much at any given moment during the day.
It also means that I’m home at 4:00 when my son Zach wants to play in the basement.
But I can assure you it also means that I have access to “do work” whenever I want, and the pull is to do it all the time.
It’s very easy for me to close the door and shut my family out. And far too often, I do that – which is something I’m actively working on.
It’s also easy for some of you to stay late at the office to get one more project done. To make a few more thousand dollars. To take one more drink at that bar.
The Last Ride
Back to the bull riding analogy, and how it really taught me the importance of life.
It was a hot summer day when I wanted to take one more ride. I just couldn’t get enough, and thought one more “fix” would satisfy me.
5 seconds later, it was a decision that nearly cost me my life. I was thrown into the dirt, and by the time I got to my knees, I was eye to eye with a 2,000 pound bull.
3 feet away.
Let me tell you what kinds of things go through your head when you’re that close to death. They aren’t pretty, and usually result in things becoming crystal clear.
Things you should have done. Words you should have spoken. Time you should have spent with the people you love.
A Challenge
When you say wedding vows, you relinquish the ability in your life to be selfish. When you get married, there are two people you need to consider and when you have kids that becomes three, or four, or five.
I am challenging myself, and I challenge you as well to look inward and to identify what stands in the way of the relationships you have with people that matter to you. Or the ones where you matter to them.
Spend more time living life, rather than trying to escape it.
Be available. Be accessible.
Make time, before it’s too late.
Beautiful post Brian. Thanks for sharing here and tweeting, as I would never have seen it otherwise. I’m sure this is true for many of your newer readers.
You betcha Jerod. More than anything, this post is somewhat of an experiment, to help gauge what type of content my visitors are interested in reading and what draws them into discussion.
This is a trap that many men fall into. Work provides instant, measurable gratification compared to family life, which is quite a bit more unstructured and random – but immeasurably more important. If your mind and your heart are on work the majority of the time, your spouse will definitely notice. And at some point in time, he or she will ask themselves, “Where do I fit in my spouse’s life priorities?” When they figure out that they’re NOT number one, that’s the beginning of the end.
I recall having a Twitter discussion with an A-list blogger last year about his tireless online efforts and demanding speaking schedule, which took him away from his wife and two young children quite often. I warned him (nicely) that he needed to be careful with his home/work balance, especially since he had young kids at home who needed him. He just poo-poohed my suggestion, and made a snarky remark that he was home much more often than the soldiers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. He is now divorced.
Such life changes have a ripple effect that is very unpredictable. All I know is this: Based on watching several families be torn apart by divorce, there is no question that it often leaves deep emotional wounds in the children and the spouse.
I consider myself blessed that I have a wife who loves me very much. We’ll be celebrating 30 years of marriage in September. I have had a pretty good career so far. It could have been stellar – but at the expense of my wife and children. I wasn’t willing to make that trade-off. I’ve seen what it can cost (2 suicides in my brother’s family, for example, caused in part by estranged parents).
I still struggle against the temptation to pull out my iPhone and jot down just one more blog post or report idea. I strive to not only be physically present but also emotionally “there” for my family, because that’s what they require. Faith and family come first. Then me and my needs. Sacrifice isn’t fashionable today, but it is a key to a fulfilling life.
Brian’s right: It’s all about priorities. If you want to put your work first, that’s fine. But consider the costs. Not just a year from now, but 20-30 years from now, when your children have grown. What kind of foundation will you have provided for them? Will your spouse still be with you?
What if you put the same amount of effort you now put into a promotion campaign at work into creatively adding spice to your marriage relationship? It will pay off in a deep, abiding love that is worth far more than any monetary compensation.
Sorry to go on like this, but it’s a topic that’s near and dear to my heart.
Chuck, thanks so much for such a profound comment. I can tell this hits close to your heart, and I’m grateful that you’ve taken the time to encourage others to take this seriously.
While I do struggle at times with this, I feel pretty good about the balance I’ve been able to achieve.
I take my relationship with Shelly very seriously, and I want to make sure that 20-30 years from now we’re rock solid!
Thanks, Brian! It does pay off. Our kids are older: 25, 24 and 21. I’m happy to say that I’ve been there for most of their special events and special days (birthdays, graduations) and have tried to work smarter vs. longer hours – so I have been able to invest a lot of time in building relationships with them.
As the 24 and 21 year old leave the nest, they’re still very close to me, and know deep in their hearts that I’ve been a big part of their lives – not just someone who was home a couple of nights a week but was otherwise traveling for work, or putting in long hours at the office. Because I’ve worked so hard to keep my priorities in balance, my wife and I are more in love than ever, even after 30 years. It’s wonderful to be at this point in my life without any major regrets about my relationships with my wife and children!
It’s been said that many men spend the majority of their working lives climbing the ladder of success – only to discover too late that it was leaning against the wrong wall…
Thanks again for reminding us of these important life principles, Brian!
Beautiful post! As a professional I can attest females have the same regrets about not being able to spend time with their family because of work. It’s difficult to squeeze in time with my husband. I knew I wasn’t alone in sharing this problem but it’s good to know men and women feel the same way. Who knows? Maybe things can change!
I loved this post when you first published it on Nomad Theory, and love it even more now. When you first published it I was beginning to attract a lot more clients and my understanding of Genesis had just turned a BIG corner! My time was filling up, and I found myself spending more time working and less time with my wife….and other things.
Now that my wife is pregnant, this post means even more! Be available. Be accessible. I think that needs to be my desktop wallpaper!
Thanks Jared, really appreciate that. Huge congrats to you guys for being pregnant – and yes, you should make this your wallpaper. Kids grow up so fast (mine’s turning 8 next month) and before you know it, they’ll be leaving the house.
A very poignant post and quite effective in making your point.
I think more men fall into this trap – I know it’s certainly been applicable to me through a lot of my corporate career. Now that I have the time to spend with my two teenage children, they no longer want to kick a ball around with ‘daddy’. They have lives of their own and they’re pretty full. I’m only a small part of their lives now, which is as it should be.
I’ll never get back the time I willingly gave as a corporate slave and I’ll never get back the time I should have spent with my little children. The money I earned was a pretty poor substitute and guess what? The money’s been and gone, but the memories I could have had would have lasted a lifetime for me and my kids.
Too many men reach the end of their days and realize that they shouldn’t have spent so much time at the office – even if the office was their front room.
Good post, Brian. Really strikes home.
Beautiful post, Brian. Well said.
Isn’t it always the case that something traumatic, unexpected or the loss of someone special is what gets us human beings to realize what is truly important? Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes: ““Life is too short to drink cheap beer.”
You just cannot live your life in one direction, live it spherically !
That’s a great way to put it, Chris!
although, I would love to take credit for that quote, I cannot! It’s from one of my all time favorite movies “Under the Tuscan Sun”.
When I got married, I realized how selfish I was. When I had children I realized I had to do something about it. As much as I’d like it to be, life isn’t about me. Great article!
Thanks Dominic – I see you’ve encountered one of the secrets to life. Good for you!
Ugh. Guilty as charged.
It’s so hard, isn’t it? The “no-separation-between-work-and-home” sometimes means I can’t do either of them well. But it’s something I come to God with every night, and something I ask him to remind me of every morning. What a blessing, that we can provide for our families, and what a challenge to keep them first – not in the future, but now.
Thanks for the reminder, Brian.
Any time I mention to someone that I work from home, they gush and tell me they wish they could to. I proceed by telling them it’s both a blessing and curse, for the reasons I mentioned in the post.
A couple weeks ago I went to a retirement party for the boss I had at my last job, and told a number of people how much I wish I could have a job where I left at 5:00 and didn’t think about working again until the morning.
Of course that’s not really true, but there are times I wish it was.
Hi Brian
Nice to read a post that makes you stop whatever you’re doing and makes you sit and think.
Don’t read many like that but this one did just that.
Thanks for sharing.
When I made a commitment to writing more and refocused here on my blog, one of the things I wanted to make sure I did was talk about my personal experiences.
This primarily comes by way of my business experiences, which in the disclaimer, I explained as having been the case for this post.
I would put money on the fact that a lot of people reading my blog are self-employed and entrepreneurs, and desperately need to hear this. Hopefully it does them as much good as it did me writing it.
Great post Brian,
It reminds me of my time in the military were I spent most it away from home. Soon I realized if I don’t make a choice I will loose everything. I have nothing against serving my country and sacrificing, but not having a family to come home to is even worse or not coming home at all. I left the military and joined the corporate world. Yes there are some days that are long at the office but I home every night. Now 23 Years with my wife and five kids raised late it’s awesome..
Thanks
Mike
Mike, at least once a week I think about military families and feel for all of those involved. In our business world, we get the chance to meet many military wives as a result of the free time they have and desire to set up a blog.
Like you, I respect and admire those who serve our country. Thanks for what you’ve done, and glad to hear that years later things with you, your wife and kids are going well!
Brian thank you from the bottom of my Heart, I have recently quit working at a remote island in the Philippines for a guy who was very demanding with the work on the internet to promote his businesses, I was working nearly 16 hours a day for a pittance of a salary in perspective.
My wife and 2 year old daughter were suffering from my lack of attention and love, my family abroad heard from me less and less, my social life was suffering, my whole life was suffering, and my dreams were suffering to become a web designer, with Genesis i must add, it has been my passion to become a fairly good web developer and marketer for many years.
A couple of weeks ago, I had decided enough was enough and had to escape the realms of putting an employer before all of my family, dreams and future, I realized I was not the happy person, loving and caring person that i should and wanted to be, so I quietly left the Island, I moved to the big city and found a place to live, I then called my wife and told her to pack our clothes, leave all the other things there that we did not need, she was hysterical as to why I was saying this, I told her I loved her and my daughter and to trust me with what I was saying, I told her we were starting a new life as a family, and I would be starting my own business for our future, giving us more time together, and being a family unit was the most important thing we needed, we do not need the material things I had collected over the years, most never used because of lack of time.
I explained that we needed a new start in life, and we needed to plan out future together and not be relying on one person to produce our income, but to be working together to make our own future, to live the NOW and the MOMENT, since we made the move, and I changed my thoughts, ways and desires, we are now restructuring our lives and moving forward, yes it will be hard in the beginning, and yes we will be financially broke for some time without the salary, but we will manage and one way or another we will survive.
So Brian, thank you so much for the post and the wake up call you have given to us all that read it and take the best advice and to help us realize the Real truth that we lose in our on-line lifestyles, you have definitely woke me up this morning, I appreciate that very much, I am at present learning the things I need to know about Genesis, weaver and the processes of becoming a proficient web designer and marketer, the things you have done to help so many others to succeed, wordpress weaver, genesis, advice, tips, posts are more to many than you think my friend, to me they are PRICELESS. Thank you so much and I look forwards to working with your platform and templates in my new career.
I hope one day I can buy you a starbucks, but more-so I would like to thank you personally, keep up the great work you do for so many people. Go and give your wife and son a big hug, and tell them thank you from Stephen for having such a beautiful supportive father and husband, and a great online Guru that so many of us respect…..
Off to do my genesis and weaver studying now and looking forwards to my new ventures with my family and work….
Thank you Brian, best regards, Stephen and Family.
Well its a part of life some people learn lesson from their mistakes and some like sports persons are used to learn their lessons from their respective games as all the games got one main purpose is the spirit and that’s the crucial thing in any game.
Thank Brian for great post.. It really inspires me. Now I am very addicted to your website…
Supat and elephant..
Hi Brian-
I read your blog all the time and appreciate your transparency. This article and the one on how you manage your time to work 10-12 hours really hit home. I too work from home and find that sometimes even though I am here for my family at all times, I am working — and not always really ‘here’.
The main reason we do what we do is for our families and you are totally right about putting yourself second.
It also helps that I conquered myself in my 20′s and can confidently take the next step in life. If I hadn’t, I might still be chasing that feeling.
Funny thing is once you climb that mountain, not only does it lift a huge weight from your shoulders, and boost your confidence — you come to a realization that the reward is in the journey itself and you have always had it in you.
Thanks for sharing.
Best regards,
Alan
Hey Alan, thanks so much for the comment. A wise man once said “if you want to become the greatest, you must become the least.”
It’s anti-intuitive for us to put ourselves second (or third), but when it happens – like you said – there’s usually a feel of enjoyment that results.
We just need to learn to do it more often.
Thanks for this article Brian. So insightful and so very true….thanks for the reality check. We get so caught up at times and really need to look closer to home.
Thanks again!
Reality checks are good, sometimes even essential for us to experience. Otherwise we get too comfortable in life and when the unexpected occurs, well…
Brian,
I know I’m a little late in the conversation, but I’ve been lurking around your site (as well as a few others) and not commenting simply because I wanted to wait until my blog was up and more “established” (at least with a post or two). Perhaps a little selfish, to not share how particular blog posts have helped or impacted me. But for this one, I must climb out of my little hole and say, “what an excellent post”! Your words are definitely ones that need to be said, read, and taken to heart.
I’ve worked from home for my entire married life – 20 years while raising four boys.
Achieving work/family balance is a challenge, especially when your family room and office are within walking distance from each another, you love what you do, and there are real financial needs that must be considered. But I’ve learned that despite all of these “considerations” and despite all of the creativity that I “think” I have and want to share with the world, my husband has but one wife and my children have just one mom. Though my family doesn’t necessarily define me (God takes care of that), I know that much of my purpose is wrapped up in being who God has called me to be for them.
I’ve also learned the importance of engaging with my family, not just with my physical presence and proximity, but in the little things, like taking regular breaks from all of the screens that “scream” for my attention and looking my husband and children in the eyes when they want to share a story or tell me about their day. And lastly, with my oldest son now in college, I’ve learned that what was shared with me as a new mom 19 years ago, is so true – “the days may be long, but the years are so short”.
Thanks again for sharing such a powerful and timely post!
April, thanks so much for you comment and for de-lurking yourself here.
It seems like you’ve really got a hold of who you are, or as you said, who God has made you to be. Huge congrats that you’ve been able to spend the past 20 years working from home. It’s a huge blessing I’m sure to your family.
Also, nice job on the start of your site – looking great!
Thanks Brian. And yes, you’re right, working from home has been a blessing. I’m truly grateful for where I am now in my journey as a mom, wife, business owner, and most importantly as a child of God. But it’s definitely been a process and a series of learning experiences. : )
Also, I really appreciate your comments about my site. I’m really excited about it. Thanks for your hand in providing such great products and for the steady flow of inspiration, tips, and information that you provide here on your blog!
In reading this it make me think about some of the times that I thought my life was going to end. I would have to agree with you on that fact that all of things become crystal clear. While I have never looked a bull straight in the eye, watching the crew of a C-130 airplane putting out an engine fire, while the pilot tells you “to look at the exits in case of water landing” makes you think about what is important in life.
Yeah, I bet – that was probably an even scarier situation to go through!
Brian I like you post but a few thoughts. I’m a competitor through and through. I played college baseball and now I am currently active duty military. I have been to the college world series twice and im extrmely athletic i can’t get rid of my competitive drive. I’m married with no kids. I grew up on a ranch and have ridden my whole life. I can’t get the dream of bull riding out of my system. I feel that I would be great. I feel like I could change the sport. I can’t sleep I wake up in the middle of the night so bad wanting to chase that dream.
I understand there are other things in life but what type of father woul I be or husband if i didn’t show the courage to chase my dreams. Life can’t stop because we’re afraId or think its best to spend more time with family. If that’s ur dream then that’s great. But to not follow ur dreams can kill a persons spirit. I’m dying to ride of course my family doesn’t want me to but what if greatness finds me there. That’s what I wonder. True story very odd I came across ur post about bull riding.
Take care
Nice pep talk – comes at a good time, thanks