I don’t know sometimes how we get from point A to point B. But what I do know, is that along the way, our lives usually do not follow the path that we plan for. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I’ve gone through some pretty dark times in my life, and the avenue in which I sought escape was through writing.

And fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I was able to acutely capture the painful years of my life. The next seven days (or posts) will walk you through my search for significance, as I will be taking excerpts from my writings, the story of my life.

Each post will take you progressively though my journey. Although they might be a bit graphic and intense, they will also provide you a window into the deepest and most soulful parts of me. I’ve always been transparent, and will not regret posting anything you will read. There was light at the end of this tunnel, which is why I feel confident in what I’m about to take on here. The point is not to sadden those of you (if there are any) who are reading this. At the conclusion of this series of posts, it will be abundantly clear as to why I am doing this.

There is a point, there is a reason. I am asking you to trust me…

I always wanted to be loved, to have attention placed upon me, and to be recognized. Perhaps deep-down this was brought on by the divorce of my parents twenty two years ago, but I can’t say for sure. What I do know is that as I was going through high school, life was ready to sink it’s teeth into me.

A missing piece…where do I belong? I used to fit in like pieces of a puzzle, but not anymore. I don’t know where my place is, I can even find a place within me. Now, I am deserted, without any care, without any notice. And this happens after I realize the things I’ve done wrong, after I’ve seen the mistakes I’ve made.

Each special part of my life, is now someone’s else special part. I’ve lost it all, anything I’ve ever lived for is now living for someone else. I ask myself who or what there is to live for, and a response does not exist. And I will myself to have the inner strength to carry on. But I can only go so far…

And it only got worse…

As I lie here…I think of many things, feel much of what I never felt. Soon, it will all be over, and I chose this way out for a reason. I can never be what I’ve wanted to be, never feel a love that came in return. She never existed, or I never found her, or she nevr found me. We never met…

As I lie here, I can see her smile. I can smell her beauty, picture her hair, her eyes, and feel her love. I remember the times that I came close, times I thought I’d live forever, with her- sharing things only she would know, giving her myself…

I think of when I almost gave up, and didn’t do what I am doing now. I breathe, softly, whispering my last words to her. I know she’s out there, listening to me, I know she can feel me love her. So close, yet so far away, as I lie here, I lie no more…

Some of my darkest moments in my life came when I was in high school. Although I had some really good times back then, it’s quite obvious that I was living in a world of secrecy, with pain as real as it could be. I felt trapped, and the only way I expressed myself, was through the writings you will read. This was only the first of three periods where I came close to ending my life.

More to come…